All right, nature – you don’t like us, and we don’t like you.
Wait! Wait. Let me try that again.
Okay, nature – we definitely like you, awesome, terrifying, life-giving force we depend upon for every aspect of our ongoing existence, hahahaha… ha?
But you don’t like us. Which is way harsh, by the way. You made us! Are you sure you don’t like us? Maybe it’s just the stuff we do that you dislike. The cars, for instance. I can see why you might be ambivalent about those; there are the emissions, the tyre waste, the Holden Barina.
At least the world of cars is changing. Electric vehicles are going gangbusters, and those of us who can’t afford one make up for it with crushing, paralysing guilt every time we turn the keys in our respective ignitions. (Yes – my car still starts with a key. That’s how far from the vaunted world of electric vehicles I am.)
Apparently, however, nature is unsatisfied with my dual offerings of guilt and sporadic public transport use. How do I know this? Because it has chosen to curse me with – car ants.
It all started with a half-drunk coffee left in my car by my brother.
“Oh look,” I said, as I tossed it the next morning. “There’s a line of ants here. Ants like coffee. Who knew?”
(I don’t think ants do like coffee, actually, and it is possibly this aberrant, drug-seeking behaviour which explains their unwarranted aggression – because my car ants are real jerks.)
Should this sad fate befall you, you might be wondering what your options are. Here are some things you can try.
1. Become an earth goddess, cruising around in your bio-friendly eco-mobile
This has been my approach but it has its drawbacks. On the plus side you are one with nature, an enlightened being who has transcended the separation between man and bug. You’ll always have someone to talk to, when you have car ants.
On the downside, the ants seem to have missed the memo about our unconventional relationship, and our conversations are less about my dreams, fears and interests and more about the fact that the ants are attacking me, without provocation.
All is not lost, though, you can still use the ants to gaslight your friends and loved ones.
“Ouch! Something is biting me,” is a common refrain from my passengers.
“That’s crazy,” I reply. “We’re in a car, what could be biting you? Have you been getting enough sleep? Because that’s crazy. You’re crazy. Ouch! I mean… ouchstanding weather we’ve been having.”
Don’t judge me. It’s hard to admit that your car is hosting a colony of bitey moochers.
2. Park somewhere else
According to the experts, sometimes it’s not so much that the ants want to live in your car, it’s more that you have parked on their house. If aliens landed their ship on your roof, it’s likely that you, too, would eventually climb up for a look-see. Move your car and maybe you’ll lose the ants.
Not definitely, though. I enjoyed a blissful, ant-free twelve months when my car was parked in an underground garage, only to have them reappear when I started parking outside again. Where were they for those twelve months? I am eaten alive by this question and the ants.
3. Make your car a sustenance-free zone
Is the floor of your car hidden beneath a carpet of fast food containers and empty drink bottles? Why are you even reading this? You know wherein the problem lies. Go clean your car.
Or maybe you just have an innocent pack of gummy bears in your centre console? Sorry – that will have to go too. That’s not a luxury for you anymore. That’s for other people. People without car ants.
4. Kill them
You monster!
All right, you could exterminate the ants. Of course, the consequence of this genocidal act is that instead of an earth goddess in her antmobile, you’re a psychopathic murderer in her deathmobile (from an ant perspective, anyway), contributing to the alarming mass extinction of insect life on this planet.
In making this weighty decision, you should probably consider how likely you are to swerve into a tree in response to an unexpected ant bite. There is also a small chance that the ants could interfere with your car’s electrics, though this is uncommon. Be careful with strong chemicals in small, unventilated spaces, of course – it’s probably best to consult an exterminator if you decide the ants must go. The clear benefit of this is that it foists the guilt onto someone else and, for all you know, the pest control man has just relocated the ants to a nice farm owned by his aunt where, honestly, they’ll be much happier. Lucky ants!
Whatever you choose to do, hopefully this article has allayed some of the shame you feel about your car ant situation, because it hasn’t helped with mine. Anyway. Keep an eye out for my forthcoming article – So The Rat King Has Decided to Chew Your Electrical Wiring.
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