The world is a cesspool of important things: war and injustice, human misery, famine, politics, fascism, sexism. All the isms, in fact.
So what does it say about the state of things when a dog driving a car makes headlines around the globe?
Well. Not much, actually. A dog driving a car is big news.
Finally, humanity is relieved of the horrifying burden of existential isolation.
Oh! To grapple eternally with our towering intellects, humbling mortality, and road rules. To stand alone atop the ivory tower of self-awareness and… but wait! Are we alone?
No! We turn away from the captivating vista of eternity, and someone else up here with us. It is… a dog. A dog who knows how to drive a car. A Slovakian dog.
The relief is almost unbearable.
All we’ve ever wanted is someone from another species with whom we could discuss the finer points of roundabouts versus traffic lights, automatic versus manual, god versus devil. Our companion ceases licking its own anus just long enough to leverage an opinion on lithium iron batteries before it scarfs down a decayed rabbit. The dog is speaking Slovak, which is a bummer, but we get the gist.
Dogs really are great, when they’re not biting one another or eating cat poop. We couldn’t have asked for a better equal.
Our conversation is interrupted when another dog, driving another car, speeds by.
Well. That won’t stand.
“ARF ARF ARF! ARF ARF ARF ARF!”
Our companion is beside themselves.
“Shhhh!” We tell it. “Don’t worry – that dog wasn’t really driving that car, it was just sitting on the lap of the human, who was actually driving the car.”
Oh no. Oh no.
Oh cruel world. Did the journalists know what they were doing – the lie they were propagating? Did they know??
We cannot go back. Not now that we have tasted true oneness, true companionship. There is only one thing to do.
“ARF! ARF! ARF! ARFARFARFARFARF,” we say. This is our life now.
It is a better life.
Probably.
