Look, everyone loves the F1. People love the fast and they love the furious. They like to see Verstappen get shit happenin’ on the track(?) and are on the edge of their seats year after year, pining for a glimpse at the genius engineering feats of the rich & famous.
In this piece, I, someone who has seen 2 episodes of “Drive to Survive” and pronounces Grand Prix as“Graynd Pricks”, will deliver an extremely subjective analysis of which athlete(?) is most likely to win the 2024 season completely based on their faces.
I’ve been given nothing other than the lineup of names and headshots. So join me! Together we can move away from the toxic objectification of those poor cars who are driving to survive and objectify the gorgeous men behind the wheel instead.
Max Verstappen
Anyone else feeling uneasy? I don’t care how many points this boi has, those eyes are telling me something I don’t want to hear.
Verstappen lookin like the kid sitting behind you on a long haul flight who keeps kicking your seat. He’s currently riding in at number one and honestly, I think for everyone’s sake we should let him have it because I’m kinda scared. The look is serving straight #Slytherin. 4/10 would not be caught dead overtaking him. 
Valeterri Bottas
Now THIS is what I’m talking about! Bottas has the eyes of someone who has most likely bodyboarded (with fins) and done shoeys in the last 6 months. I get the vibe he realised he loved racing off the back of accidentally T-boning an RSL courtesy bus. I think his likelihood of winning is entirely dependent on whether or not the people close to him say “what are the odds” before the race. 7/10 kind-eyed winning energy.
Kevin Magnusen
I am 80% certain this dude served me a specialty IPA at a brewery last weekend. It gave me a headache but I have to give it to him, he knew his shit! Kevin does a great job of making blue eyes feel warm enough to still trust. If he put half the energy into driving as he did mansplaining Hops to me then I project great success for Kev. 7.5/10
Esteban Ocon
The european fauxhawk detracts from his overall appeal but I think Esteban has what it takes to win. I would trust placing a bet on him as much as I’d trust him with my daughter. In saying that, we’re looking a little strained here, Esteban. That expression is giving “this is your dream, Dad, not mine!”. 8/10, I wish nothing but the best.
Lando Norris
This guy looks too young to be working? I’m surprised he got through the gates. The F1 better clean up their act or old mate Kevin Magnusen might lose his liquor licence. That aside, what young Lando lacks in wisdom he makes up for with his gentle face. Here we can see a 10/10 perfect execution of the “smize” (Smiling with eyes). If that’s any indicator for success, then Lando could be out for the win!
Unable to officially rank as my working with children check has recently expired.
Carlos Sainz
Ay Papi!
What in the fresh Disney-Prince hell is that and which idiot thought it would be a good idea to cover it with a helmet? Let’s be completely honest. Carlos could get it.
In fact, his whole face has just won more than the race – he’s won my heart!
10/10. I need to move on before I get cancelled.
Lance Stroll
Look out, we got a tough guy! If Lance were a rapper, he’d be Vanilla Ice. Same vibe. I just don’t think you can successfully look intimidating whilst wearing a skivi. He looks like the rich kid from school refusing to smile for the photo at his family’s annual trip to Aspen. I’m not saying he’s all bad, I just wouldn’t put my money on him if we’re going off attitude.
4/10. Proceed with caution and gamble wisely.
Daniel Ricciardo
Okay this one reminds me of the only friend’s partner everyone actually likes. Ricciardo the kinda guy who would quote Hamish & Andy. Actually, he looks like he got into the lineup as part of an elaborate prank and dropped character right as the camera flashed. I predict that Ricciardo will almost win 1-2 races and will say something along the lines of “Success is not a destination, it’s a journey” in the post-race interview. I also predict he will feature in an Inspired Unemployed reel in the next two years.
9/10 for this goofy goober!
